Mike

@KFANY2

2009-08-08T17:51:59Z

Puzzled looking older gay man walks into to the Keith Harrington room; asks what is going on. People try to explain it to him. He leaves bewildered.

"I remember back when this room was a bathroom." (shakes head, mystified) "Back then we didn't have classes in how to be kinky, it just came naturally."

:-)

Crabs make me laugh

2009-07-07T23:14:23Z

I'm on vacation for another few days in the Tortugas. I came mostly for the diving and wasn't so much aware of the whole pirate thing, but maybe pirates will help offset my recent infection of zombie-fascination. There's just far too many amazing things I want to write about diving, so I'm not even going to try. But I can't help commenting on the land fauna here.

During the day there are these fat little 6 inch lizards that dart about everywhere. The look particularly ridiculous each time they scurry along, since they jog in a very non-lizard like fashion but have teeny tiny little legs. The best thing, however, is at night there are big crabs everywhere, 6" or even 8" across. They have a particular preference for moving along the edges of walls and terraces and although they startled me at first, they now amuse me to no end. They're extremely self-conscious, and if you get anywhere near one, it immediately squeezes its back up against the nearest wall, rises up as high as it can, and raises both claws above its head. This is probably meant to be a very intimidating "Look what big claws I have!" gesture. But to me it just looks like "Oh dear--I am *alarmed*! Furthermore, *I surrender*!". This interpretation may be colored by my genuine suspicion that at some primitive level, crabs--like many other sea creatures--understand how delicious they are. They are all, each of them, guiltily evading capture even though they know how much happiness they could bring someone if they were properly cooked. The little crabs aren't just surrendering when I walk by, they're surrendering with the distinct air of a fugitive. If only I could actually eat them... :)

Unedited Exchange of e-mails at work this morning

2009-07-02T16:25:29Z

From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 11:40 AM
To: [me]

I'm speechless: http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8127000/8127519.stm

----
From: [me]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 11:44 AM
To: [Senior Attorney]
Subject: RE:

Wow. That's terrifying. Could ant super colonies be the next zombies?

----
From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 11:47 AM
To: [me]

I'm getting over my initial shock and need to think this through. We certainly let our guard down on this one.

----
From: [me]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 11:50 AM
To: [Senior Attorney]
Subject: RE:

Just in case the ants have colonized the internet as well, I would like to state for the record that I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

----
From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 11:53 AM
To: [me]

I almost surely will join the ant resistance. I have seen the work ethic and rigid social structure of the typical ant colony and liken it to life in N. Korea. I want no part of absolute fealty to the ant queen.

----
From: [me]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 12:07 PM
To: [Senior Attorney]
Subject: RE:

I think I have the perfect solution.

Why are zombies so fearsome? Because they eat us, and use our bodies to create more zombies.

I've attached a conceptual image of my solution, which will only require a small amount of genetic engineering and a handful of starting prototypes. After that, these weapons will not only maintain themselves at no expense but--like zombies--will multiply as they destroy our enemies. Plus due to the narrow size of their feeding apparatus, we humans will be completely safe should they turn on us. See below.

----
From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 12:09 PM
To: [me]

Well done. You will be instrumental in the resistance.

----
From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 12:12 PM
To: [me]

Attached is a draft of our battle flag:

----
From: [me]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 12:22 PM
To: [Senior Attorney]
Subject: RE:

I'm reading various reports that the total global biomass of ants may exceed that of humans by as much as 2:1. This is obviously going to handicap us severely. Fortunately, American ingenuity has prepared not just the United States, but our entire planet with the solution to this deficiency. I think it's safe to say that with only a small effort we can achieve biomass parity within a month, two months at the most.

Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.

http://www.mcdonalds.com/ http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

----
From: [Senior Attorney]
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 12:12 PM
To: [me]

The US has always been a leader in biomass technology. As with zombies, we should all be prepared to migrate north when the ant armies mobilize.

mike_cv @ 2005-12-18T19:36:00

2005-12-19T00:43:46Z

I really think the so-called war on Christmas is ridiculous.
I still find this funny though:

More funny law professor quotes:

2005-12-17T06:27:41Z

These are all from my income tax professor, Alexander Raskalnikov – a 6’-something tall Russian, assessed by at least one female classmate as “alarmingly handsome”. Yet as you can read, he’s also a goofball. For full effect, you have to imagine these spoken with a fairly strong Russian accent.

“This is a pretty clear case for the government, and yet! There’s a dissent! By Justice Douglas who – I kid you not – was once audited by the IRS and never once sided with them in any case after that. Not once.”

“Do you know what the price is for hiding a large chunk of money?”
Student: “Jail?”
“No. Well. ... That too. There’s always that option!”

“So if you borrow only in order to incur, you’re dead. Meaning, you have to pay taxes. You’re still alive.”

“These are things you get and don’t pay for explicitly. The technical term for this is, “for free.”

[After describing a tax shelter scheme]:
“And trust me, there is a lot of this stuff going on. I mean, believe me, [famous ex-employer] is – . …(pause) … Maybe I shouldn’t say this.”

“It's like Rumsfeld. It’s not the Internal Revenue Code that you want, it’s the Internal Revenue Code that you have.”

“So, we raise A’s taxable income to match B’s, and now they’re both happy. Well. Except for A.”
“Nobody likes tax lawyers.. Well, maybe some people do. My wife does.”

From a tax opinion [judge]: “We are mindful, also, that Maryland has an articulated public policy against domestic violence. We refuse to encourage couples to settle their disputes with fire.”
Professor, in class, puzzled: “I’ve been married 20 years and I’ve never burned my wife’s clothes. Why did tax payer have to do it?”

“Letz say my life expectancy is two years. Enormous amounts of second hand smoke – and then first hand smoke. You understand when you go to Europe!”
“What if I beat the estimation, and I live another year? (sings) ‘I will survive!’”

“This case basically immortalized this professor! I mean, this guy … what was his name again?”

“Don’t work at home too much or your kids will start saying crazy things.”

“By the way, all this is depicted in the movie ____, which we will be watching, of course, next class. <long pause> Of course not. We hef to learn sometime, don’t we? Ha ha.”

(writing on chalkboard) “AR stands for ‘amount realized’. These are not my initials.”

And keeping in mind that most students in our class took notes on laptops, and that the classroom had wireless Ethernet…:

[ to student, genuinely puzzled:] Why are you laughing? Oh, you’re just instant messaging. Sorry!!

“Those of you who are instant messaging right now, should stop. Because I’m waiting for you all to finish typing before moving on, and if you’re not typing what I just said, then you’re going to confuse me.” (sounding very plaintive)

For a long time, it was possible to claim dependants (like children) on your tax returns without having to provide any proof at all that they actually existed. Eventually the IRS started requiring Social Security numbers for each dependant claimed. The number of children claimed in tax return decreased by *7 million*. “I always wonder where those 7 million kids went…”

mike_cv @ 2005-12-05T20:03:00

2005-12-06T01:14:37Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Tuesday I gave fantasmagoria a friendly lick, and then helped maymaym cross the street (50 points). Last month at lovelypalms's house I spotted burglars and stopped the robbery (132 points). In March I never barked at the mailman, stayed off the furniture, and only bit one person (sorry thiess!) (14 points). In August I saved timmy when he fell down a well (201 points). Today I stopped little_strangr from committing genocide, extinguished a burning puppy, successfully impeached Bush and cured childhood cancer (19,842 points).

Overall, I've been a virtual saint! (20,239 points) For Christmas I deserve lots of petting!

Sincerely,
mike_cv

in case you missed this one

2005-11-18T00:55:48Z

Amusing NY Times article on the sorts of things real estate brokers find in people's apartments while showing them to potential buyers...

"Still, Mr. Hamilton summoned the nerve to comment to a seller about the human-sized lockable cage outfitted with whips, hooks, paddles and bondage devices that dominated the living room of a brick loft in the far West Village.

""It kind of amused me," Mr. Hamilton said of the enclosure, "but it made certain buyers a little queasy. I told him some of the customers don't like the cage. He said if they don't like it, they don't need to be buying my apartment." The man eventually relented, however, agreeing to camouflage the cage with a tablecloth.

"Several brokers said they have encountered such paraphernalia in closets made over to resemble small dungeons.

"Leonard Steinberg, an executive vice president at Prudential Douglas Elliman, was unnerved by the leather, whips, chains and handcuffs that confronted him and his clients in a walk-in closet of a SoHo loft. But he rescued the moment by improvising, in his impeccable British accent, "And this is where you'll come when you've been very, very bad.""

ahh, bush

2005-10-26T02:48:01Z

http://www.wimp.com/speechless/

hahahahahaha
(yes yes, I know, but still!!)

mike_cv @ 2005-10-16T12:31:00

2005-10-16T16:37:32Z

Is anyone else suddenly suffering allergy symptoms? Damn you, ragweed.

taken from theiss

2005-10-11T03:04:51Z

The first meme (I think?) to appear, but it was too fun to pass up. "Go to Google and type in "[yourname] needs". Take the first 10-15 results that make coherent sentences and post them to your LJ." Oliver's results here.

Anyway, I'm going to try to be an adult, and rearrange my schedule a little so that I can do a better job firing up the players before I spend the rest of the night worrying about the state of the house. And YOU -- don't forget to let me know about those 7-digit cost objects. Also, Katie? I'm sorry. Whoever you are. :)

Mike needs our help.
Mike needs a date.
Mike needs to be told he’s an adult.
Mike needs to make a minor scheduling change.
Mike needs to be less anxious about the state of the house.
Mike needs to coach, but at the end of the day, players must make plays.
Mike needs your 10 bucks.
Mike needs to get them fired up before the game and call out his offense.
Mike needs a nice general wash in the middle 2/3 of the stage.
Mike needs to know the exact date when you want Office Depot to start requiring 7-digit cost objects and 6-digit G/L accounts.
Mike needs to contact the mayor ASAP.
“Mike needs to learn that he is losing me forever,” insists Katie.
Mike needs to have an extravagant garage sale.

mike_cv @ 2005-10-04T19:32:00

2005-10-04T23:33:44Z

Heading out to Boston now, back in a couple of days!

Let's be clear:

2005-10-01T23:54:20Z

mike_cv @ 2005-09-28T23:19:00

2005-09-29T03:20:13Z

If the antler site bothers you, you might not want to look at the five or six foot tall sculpture here. (more amazing pictures here). Although in many ways they bother me less than the antlers do (especially if you read up on the history).

mike_cv @ 2005-09-23T14:10:00

2005-09-23T18:11:23Z

"With ninja-messiah throwing nails death killer-cross pump action over-under shotgun"

Homage to my favorite professor from last year

2005-09-20T23:33:03Z

All examples below are real. Ahh, the socratic method is a wonderful thing.

Primus: So. Which side should we take here, Mr ____?
Student (flustered): Well, its arguable where you draw that line.
Primus (raises eyebrows): Yeah — we’re having that argument.

Student:   I think this goes back to the idea of Oedipus and the blindfold
Primus:    Odysseus, I think you mean (laughter)
Student:   Um.. Yes…
Primus:    Interesting substitution.

Primus:    Where in Michigan are you from, Mr. ____?
Student:   LaSalle
Primus:    Oh! (nods knowingly) I don’t really care. What's the law at issue in Nebbia v. New York?

Primus: Mr. ____, how does Wikard v. Smith make you feel?
Student: (glumly) Bad.

Student:    I was just wondered if you could give us Mr ____’s last point in English. It went right over my head.
Primus:     Hmm. I understood it pretty well.
Student:    (without hesitation) I knew you would.

Student: But doesn’t that argument put us on something like a slippery slope?
Primus: Mr. ____!! We’re not on a slippery slope!!! We’re at the bottom!!!

Primus: I’m waving to Mr. ____ not because he came in late, but because we had an altercation … not an altercation, more of a disagreement, over whether it’s faster to take the elevator or the stairs.

Primus:    Mr. ____ is this a good idea or not?
Student:    Well, not to be glib, but it would depend on who you ask.
Primus:    Mr. ____, who’s being asked? You.
Student:    Ahh... Well, I think [weak answer]”
Primus:    But, Mr. ___, what about [snappy counter argument]? Hmm?
Student:    Well, you asked me my opinion, that’s my opinion.
Primuus:    Yes, Mr. ____, but now I’m arguing with you. This is not novel.
Student:    Ah.

haha

2005-09-02T16:47:40Z

Courtesy of mlleglass-- anyone who's ever played a war game over the internet has to read this!</span>

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mike_cv @ 2005-08-26T15:48:00

2005-08-26T19:50:59Z

I think of junk mail (the physical kind, not e-mail) as sort of an unavoidable nuisance. But if some company is really bothering you? Check out what this guy did.

Also, because Sevina sent this out and it's hilarious, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism!

Finally, I'll add this with no comment.

Funniest Book Ever II

2005-08-17T17:02:14Z

     "I could kick that punk's punk ass," the angel said, jumping on the bed, shaking a fist at the television screen.
     "Raziel," I said, "you are an angel of the Lord, he is a professional wrestler, I think it's understood that you could kick his punk ass." This had gone on for a couple of days now. The angel has found a new passion.
     Raziel looked at me as if I had slapped him. "Don't start with that again, these are not actors." The angel back flipped on the bed. "Ooo, ooo, you see that? Ho popped him with a chair. Thaz right, you go girl. She nasty."
    It's like that now. Talk shows featuring the screaming ignorant, soap operas, and wrestling. And the angel guards the remote control like it's the Ark of the Covenant.
     "This," I told him, "is why the angels were never given free will. This right here."

Funniest Book Ever

2005-08-17T01:21:40Z

Jesus, John the Baptist, and Jesus's best friend Biff, at the tender age of 13...

"Would--would you mind?" John [the Baptist] said, lifting up his tunic and showing his bare privates, which were covered in sores and greenish scales.
"That's disgusting," Jesus said.
"Am I unclean? I think it's from standing in the water all the time. Can you heal me?"
(I have to say here that I believe that this was the first time Jesus's little sister Miriam ever saw a man's privates. She was only six at the time, but the experience so frightened her that she never married. The last time anyone heard from her, she had cut her hair short, put on men's clothes, and moved to the Greek island of Lesbos. But that was later.)

...

The Baptist fell to his knees. "You are truly the Messiah. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I shall declare your holiness throughout the land."
"We have to find out a couple of things before Jesus starts being the Messiah," I said.
"Like what?" John seemed as if he would start crying again.
"Well, like whether or not he's allowed to, uh, have an abomination with a woman."
"It's not an abomination if it's with a woman," Jesus added.
"It's not?"
"Nope. Sheep, goats, pretty much any animal--it's an abomination. But with a woman, it's something totally different."
"What about a woman and a goat, what's that?" asked John, looking confused.
"That's five shekels in Damascus," I said. "Six if you want to help."
Jesus punched me in the shoulder.